ooh it has been a while. and i'm back to being pissy.
(though i do admit, many things that anger me are petty, and i should look at the bigger picture, but it's the ranting that helps me regain that perspective. and i practice my writing this way.)

financial aid sucks balls.

seriously.

since i started at state, i've had problems with their fin aid department, ie them sucking at helping me out. every year i get denied a cal grant, I GET IT ALREADY. for the fifth year i've gotten a disqualification letter, and it always says the same thing, we make too much money. though i looked at the income ceiling listings and we so do NOT make that much money, but whatever. my parents aren't CA residents, i wasn't a CA resident, blah blah blah.
this year however, it's because i've been in school too long AND my degree isn't qualified. what the hell.

so my real rant is about the sorry state our financial aid system is in.
no matter what i do, my parents seem to make too much money. this is bullshit. my parents do not make that much money. according to the stats on wikipedia my parents make less than the dual earner, and we are in the middle 33%. i have never been qualified for a grant.

partly this is my fault, not looking more actively for scholarships and deciding to go out of state and put myself $85,000 in debt. but, apparently i am not alone. its normal to graduate with debt now, and we are all going to suffer dearly for it. i'm not prepared in the least to pay back loans, and i'm terrified for it.

what i'm mostly pissed off about is people always say theres all this money just waiting to be claimed. where the hell is it? government money waiting for students? how the hell are we supposed to get it? cut off an arm? a leg? sterilize ourselves as to not contribute to the ever-growing population problem?

i'm always disqualified because when i fill out my FAFSA my parents are required to put their income on there, even though they do not support me while i'm in school. i'm no longer claimed as a dependent, but the misguided fin aid people assume they are going to contribute over $7,000 annually to my schooling. how about not? at least my parents let me live in their house on breaks. i know there are people out there who are completely detached from their parents, yet are required to submit their income, and effectively screwing them over from aid that is desperately needed.

there are things direly wrong with the financial system in this country. not just with aid, but with distribution as well. uuber rich people make disgusting amounts of money. desperately poor people can't afford to live. the middle class is shrinking, and we aren't moving up in the world, we are falling into the deep abyss that is 'lower class' and those in the 'lower class' are probably falling below the poverty line, that is, if they aren't there already.


sometimes i feel like my life is dictated by one phrase: i'll have to see if i have the money. money money money. i don't have enough money. there will never be enough money. we don't have enough money. they have way too much money. why won't they share their money? am i not skilled enough to make more money? etc.

chances are i will never make enough money. i chose two majors purely on the fact that i enjoy them and they will make me happy. THEY WILL NOT MAKE ME MONEY. unless of course by a freak of nature i write a best-selling novel. and then another one and another one and maybe i write the screenplay of a tony award-winning show or perhaps a movie that makes a gross amount of money. and then MAYBE i'll have enough money. i'd pay off my debts, buy the family new cars and find a place to live. maybe several places to live. but i doubt it would ever be enough money.

as much as i'd like to hope that i would be a good rich person, i don't know that. i try to shop on a budget, but i like some nice things and i can spend money very quickly. all that money might go to my head. i will forget all about being broke and ignore all of the poor people. but i hope not.

so i better get started on the next best-selling american novel.
or maybe win the lottery.

(not the shirley jackson one though. THAT would suck. and my co-signers would have to pay my loans back. which sucks even more).


//i am sleep deprived, i hope this made sense.

funny how in one moment, just a split second, everything you thought was important becomes ridiculous, anything that bugged you dissapears, you fall apart, sadness is all you feel, and the only thing you can do is lay in the dark, crying.

RIP
Anthony Koster
1919-2007